Embrace your fears -- be open and honest with your family member with mental illness

The more we persist in pushing difficult things away, they more they reappear in our lives. Here’s an example. When working with a client recently, I learned that her greatest fear was telling the truth to her husband. Her truth revolved around her need for time alone, improved communication between them, and more intimacy. Her fear was that if she asked for these things directly, her husband would think she was just "being a woman," or that she was needy.  She was most afraid that he’d say "no" to her requests. Of course, all of that is possible, since we can’t control how someone will react to our requests. However, it’s also possible that her husband might react well. By saying nothing, she would never know. Ultimately, being true to one’s own feelings and truth is what matters. Even in the worse case, you are being open and honest. You might not get what you want, but fear is not ruling your life.

The idea of being open and honest with a family member with mental illness stirs up a similar kind of fear. Most caregivers weigh the relief they "might" get from sharing their thoughts and feelings, with the "guilt" they might feel from burdening their loved one with mental illness. All that speculation can be downright paralyzing. Is saying nothing out of fear fair to either of you? Just because a person suffers mental illness does not mean you cannot have frank communication in a kind, gentle manner. In fact, it's good for the soul, provided your loved one is getting the help they need and you are being supportive. You see by keeping quiet, you’re also removing the other person's free will to respond. Who really knows how they might react? You’re insinuating your internal dialogue on them, without giving them a chance to listen and have their own reaction. I'd say that's a tad unfair.............