Well, Easter was not the relaxing get together I anticipated. Usually there are about 30 people including immediate family, in laws. Sometimes the emotion of joining all this family together is too much for Tom, my brother who struggles with mental illness. Most of the time he is excited and very "into" the day laughing and enjoying being with his family.... being part of something that feels good. Many times those suffering mental illness are isolated and in some cases forgotten about.
For some reason yesterday was different. He was angry and crying and talking nonsense about the neighbors and needing to move to Florida (a thought he frequently goes back to when life is unfair). Like most family gatherings, my sister and I are the ones who "notice" Tom's frame of mind and attempt to "redirect". As Tom was sitting there, my sister on one side and me on the other he seemed to be relishing the attention. My sister's approach is to reaffirm our love for him and tell him he's not moving away from us because we love him. His tears keep coming and he seems to get more agitated. Meanwhile we have a double birthday party going on and a potential explosion simmering in the corner 5 feet away.
So, the only thing that came to my mind was my own desire to have Tom keep his end of a bargain I make with him. He keeps on the straight and narrow, shaving, being nice to neighbors, getting on his bike etc., in exchange for him coming to my house for 4 days every other month. I'm not proud about it but, yes, i did pull it out of my "trick box". I said, "Tom, we have a deal. This is not a day for you to start all this, not on Easter. If you're not willing to keep your end of the bargain than I'll have to rethink our agreement". To which he quickly seemed brighter and less concerned with his tears and said "I'm keeping my end of the bargain, I am."
Of course this tiny "threat" is something we as parents and human beings might use as a last resort. But for Tom it seems to bring him back to what's important to him, coming to my house for fun, relaxation etc. Of course this is not the end of my job. For the next 15 minutes or so as Tom mingles with people I quietly bump up behind him and say "not today, not on Easter" when I hear him going back into his downward spiral with someone else.
He seemed to get progressively better by not being "allowed" to digress and being redirected to talk and think about other things. So when I left the party, I have no idea what will happen, but what I do know is that he was looking forward to his next visit as he said to me "so Mary you'll call me in 4 weeks so I can come up ..." . "Yes I will if you keep your end of the bargain. For now I feel like i've won a small battle but the nagging sense that he lives on the verge of these ups and downs is heart breaking but I guess, "It is what it is" as Patriots coach, Bill Belicheck always says.
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