I recently interviewed Joan, a mother of 9 kids, one of whom has struggled with developmental disabilities as well as emotional illness. Joan speaks about her son's struggles and the cat and mouse games that sometimes come along with mental illness and the medical establishment for family members. However, toward the end of the audio, I'm overwhelmed by her advice. Simple but powerful words of wisdom viewed from the other end of the spectrum. Why oh why do we as family members never embrace the person before us and constantly set the bar for them. Why is it so difficult to accept what we know to be true? What is it that keeps us believing in miracles for our loved one? Probably because we love them, right? Acceptance has helped Joan, but it also might be a sign of just being plain ol' tired of hanging on to that hope for a different outcome of the diagnosed mental illness.
You can hear my conversation with Joan by clicking on the link below -
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Letting go of expectations and replacing them with acceptance when someone suffers mental illness can be liberating. No, I didn't say it's easy to embrace the "new" person before you. However, the alternative might just be the beginning of the end for you as an onlooker, caregiver, or family member. When mental illness is in your family and a person suffers with daily living choices because of it, usually our first reaction is to suffer alongside with them. A seemingly natural choice. As the person struggles to get through daily activities sometimes and work through the illness to heal and get to a better place, our desire is to push and poke and Make them get well. We tend to hold onto the old person we knew and fail to "see" the person who is front of us. Perhaps their capacities have changed in light of the illness. Sometimes the desire to set goals and achieve things is put aside in favor of daily existence challenges.
So for people who are faced with a family member's illness I say, try not to set YOUR bar too high for the other person. Attempt to love and accept them daily for the things they achieve. And most importantly keep your own wishes and expectations quiet, share them with a friend but not the person who suffers - they have enough to contend with to get well and heal themselves.
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