If you are a family member who deals with another’s mental illness, chances are your life can get confusing and may need a fresh look at old ways of doing things. This article highlights the process of identifying your biggest problem areas and then makes suggestions for how to fix them.
OK, so your life has changed, things are a bit different after the diagnosis of a family member’s illness. It could be a daughter with bi polar, a husband with clinical depression or your own sudden experiences with panic disorder. These circumstances happen every year to millions of Americans and the “affected others” need to take action in your own life to adjust and compensate for the new situation you find yourself in.
Presumably, you have the professional medical support you need to help your loved one and now you seem out of sorts because things do not work as smoothly as they did before. It is my firm belief that learning how to implement boundaries and raising your personal standards is one way of “surviving” another’s mental illness. What use to be Ok with you has suddenly become a huge problem in your daily life. This is to be expected but not tolerated. Let’s consider a typical problem that most people face at some time in their life: people who drop by your home without notice.
Are you someone you allows drop in traffic at your house? Some people don’t mind this; however, at some point you may feel overwhelmed by this prospect since you are dealing with the serious issue of a family member’s mental illness. You may want to change this policy and implement a new “boundary” to improve your life and reduce your stress.
Do you find yourself constantly tip toeing around hoping your friend Suzy doesn’t suddenly pop in to “dump” all her woes on you. Are you constantly fretting about having no time to yourself, especially now that you are worrying about your loved one’s illness and recovery? Well, join the rest of us. Most people fall short in the department of understanding what personal standards and boundaries have to do with “surviving mental illness”. When your life changes after a diagnosis, it is important to review your life and decide which activities are acceptable and which are not. In the above example of allowing friends and neighbors to simply stop by anytime they like, you may feel that this is overwhelming for you given your newfound circumstances.
Here are my top three reasons to install boundaries:
1. Boundaries will improve your stress level.
2. Boundaries will allow you to take care of YOU so you have more time to care about and for your family member who is suffering mental illness.
3. Boundaries will set a precedent of honesty and integrity and free your brain space from less important issues.
Here are possible options you have for dealing with the drop by traffic:
1. Do nothing – continue to allow the open door policy and become angrier at the fact you don’t want drop bys.
2. Hide in the closet whenever someone comes by, hoping that after the fourth door knock they will miraculously disappear……… until tomorrow.
3. Develop and implement a new boundary – this may seem like a lot of work but the truth is the amount of energy you spend NOT dealing with it is probably doing more to complicate your life and thus your situation of dealing with a family member’s illness.
How do you implement a boundary?
1. You review your life and decide what issue is bothering you. Then you think about ways to stop the issue from happening. In our example, the drop by traffic is at issue.
2. You write down what you will say to your friend and deliver your message in a friendly, clear, but firm manner. Your conversation may go something like this: “Suzy, I wanted to talk to you today because I’ve decided something and wanted to let you know what it is because it affects you. Since Jamie’s diagnosis I’ve really been overwhelmed with everything. I think I’m starting to calm down but I really need to do a few things to take care of me. I am asking all my friends and family to call me before dropping by. I’m hoping this will allow me to better schedule my time, have more down time and generally feel more in control of my schedule. Would that be ok with you?”
Of course, you will have to adjust your “message” for the person you speak to, because, let’s face it, you may not want to ask certain people “Would that be ok with you?”! You may need to make the statement and ask them to follow your request.
Finally, it is important to understand that “how” your message is received cannot be your worry. Some people are bound to get upset, ask for details, and want to know what’s going on with you…..blah, blah, blah. Remember, this new boundary is for YOU, something to improve your life and well-being. This is not about “them”. So allow them to feel the way they do and stick to your guns. The newfound freedom and energy that will result from raising your standards and implementing a boundary will be palatable!
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