As I get older I feel more "in control" of the fact I have "no" control over my brother's behavior. It's taken me a while to realize that mental illness is not something you can put in a box and move on. There are all kinds of twists and turns and the more you try to hold on and keep from skidding off the road, the more the person seems to have a hold on you and your life.......
Sometimes I feel like all those years I spent trying to morph Tom's behavior has been an exercise in futility. He never seemed to listen or take what I said to heart. Maybe it just allowed me to feel useful in the face of extreme uncertainty, like rantings, yelling at neighbors and hiding in the wooods.
Yes, I've come to the conclusion that trying too hard has been my downfall. But if I never "tried" i'd probably never forgive myself, right? No, I think the pressure of trying to change Tom is not good for either of us. I would have done more had I just focused on "being" with him instead of trying to see what's wrong and "change" him.
On this Sunday, as we ride back to his apartment after his stay with me, I feel that obligation to remind him about his "behavior". As he sucks down another can of soda I feel compelled to remind him, "You know Tom, soda is really bad for your bloating problem, try to drink water when you get home. You'll feel better."
"Yup" he mumbles
I'm not convinced he heard me so I push the issue, "Tom, did you hear what I said, do you understand why I said it?", sounding more like a grade school teacher than a younger sister. To my complete surprise (because he doesn't usually listen at all), he repeated what I said to him.
"Tom", I said, "You do listen!" To which he replied, "Yep".
I guess the lesson for me is that sometimes you think your actions are not making a difference but they are. In most cases they might not be having an impact due to the mental illness. But maybe it's worth keeping both cases in mind. It sure did boost my spirits to know I made a slight impact this day!
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